Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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