Moan for me like Helen Keller
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
