Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
