and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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