just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
