They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
