there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
