I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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