FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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