I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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