...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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