Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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