No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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