Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
