Sponge bath it is.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
