Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
