All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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