I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I thought spray tan was a myth
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.