he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
