i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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