Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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