if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
