And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
