I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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