I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
