Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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