God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
