Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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