His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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