saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
