I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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