ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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