My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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