We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
