I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
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dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
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Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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