Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
