Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
