I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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