I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
