My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You pole danced in your parka.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
