Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
