Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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