I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
