take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
