i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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