last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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