captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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