it hurts more in the daytime
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
