im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
