Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
