it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
