i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
try to milk me bitch
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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