I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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