I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
