so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
