True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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