Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
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