Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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