Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
