I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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